This mercury in retrograde business has thrown everyone for a loop. People are being let go from jobs, technology is breaking, relationships are ending – just madness. Or maybe I just described the current state of my life. The jury is still out on whether July was an awful month or whether I’ll need to name my first born July. Within those 31 days, I had to deal with some health issues, process a relationship ending, look into moving, and deal with a job loss. When it rains it pours, right?
Anyway, one of the biggest things I learned from relationships – romantic, platonic, and everything in between – is just how much about it is about you as an individual. Yes, the other person matters and we share our lives with them…and at the end of the day it comes down to you and your communication.
Part of why the relationship I had ended was because our communication wasn’t clear. One person didn’t understand the non-verbal communication, the other thought the feelings were being expressed pretty clearly. Only after we ended the possibilities of a romantic relationship did I realize that our forms of communication had been so different. By the time both people were using verbal communication to express ourselves, the feelings had already gone in two different directions.
And not all scenarios will be romantic ones. I just had a friend who went through some changes in their living situation. One of the roommates decided to move out, gave about one week’s notice, and caused enough tension in the household for a tightroper to walk across. For a variety of reasons it was probably a good thing for them to move out and I wonder how it would have been different if communication was able to be expressed and received more clearly.
Communicating is hard.
Expressing needs, listening to others, contributing thoughts, and clarifying perspectives can be challenging. And I find that the more I get in my head about what the other person will say or think, the less inclined I am to spit it out and the more I create scenarios that will likely never happen. So I don’t say anything or I go through different possible scenarios until I catapult myself into talking to the person about what’s been on my mind.
Usually, once this happens, all of the scenarios I created melt away as we engage in conversation. A few months ago, I spent the better portion of a Tuesday morning deciding whether or not I wanted to talk to the CEO at work about my concerns and frustrations. Eventually, I decided that talking to him would get me further than the monologue in my head. We ended up spending an hour and a half talking about my frustrations, his perspective, and the various channels that could lead to a solution.
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz comes to mind as a daily reminder to speak freely and openly. The Four Agreements, taken from this site, are:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Not taking anything personally and not making assumptions are key. Of course all four of the agreements are vital; however, those two are easy to get trapped in. I am in control of being impeccable with my word and speak my desires with integrity. It can be a little more difficult to not take someone’s actions personally or assume that they have an ax to grind. For the last few weeks, I’ve tried to speak openly and without assumption. My hope is that I’ll get more comfortable with it the more I do it.
What have you been wanting to say to someone?
Heh, like heather. 