To Be a Friend.

This post was started November 2019 and has been in my drafts for over a year. Keeping it as a draft isn’t helping anyone so, here you go. 

The word ‘friend’ has been coming up a lot for me in the last few months. Many of my friendships have been evolving into something new and different which has brought up a lot for me to sift through. I’ve also been helping friends navigate their friendships. In all of these changes, the only thing that has been consistent is how different every person interprets the meaning of a friend. I began writing this in November [2018], right around my birthday. During that time, I was celebrating with friends by going to concerts, museums, and art exhibits, hanging out at homes, and so much more. Since then, I’ve continued to wonder the same question:

What does it mean to be a friend?

Does being a friend mean you talk to the other person with some regularity? Does it mean you know their family? Does being a friend mean you see them at special occasions – maybe only at such occasions? Does being a friend require some equality in what is being given and received? At what point does a friend become an acquaintance? At what point does an acquaintance become a friend? What’s between an acquaintance and a friend?

Many of my close friends (and those I’ve been helping with their friendships) have heard me talk about the rings to relationships, something similar rings of a tree. At the innermost ring are the people who are nearest and dearest to me. We may not talk every day but I feel perfectly comfortable waltzing into their home or know where the spare key lives. At the outermost ring are the friendly people I greet in my neighborhood or at the grocery store. The rings in between are everyone else – people I feel close to but see on special occasions, people I feel close to because of mutual friends, college friends I was close to but don’t see as often, people I used to be close to but have grown apart from, and so on.

Now, that’s how I generally envision my relationships with people. But it’s not so cut-and-dry because we’re humans and that’d be nonsense. Sometimes I feel exceptionally close to people I only see occasionally and other moments I’m missing my dearest friends even after spending time with them.

The fun and interesting part is when there are friendships that require more of a dance. The person of the opposite sex who, like clockwork, drops off the face of the earth when they’re in a relationship. The two friends who used to be married to each other and who you’re still friendly with. The person you dated for a little while and then mutually decided to be friends. The people who dated one of your friends and then broke up.

How do we navigate those relationships? 

Yeah, those are the answer I’m still discovering. One thing I am certain of is that these relationships, like all, are person-to-person relationships. Sometimes the friendship may look absurd to those looking in from the outside…or even to us on the inside. Since the beginning of this year [2019], a number of close friendships have been evolving and it hasn’t been easy. I spent a lot of my time with these people and there’s definitely been a loneliness since then. However, it has created space for me to learn a lot about how I am as a friend and for other friendships to deepen.

Here are some things I’ve learned…

1. There is no one answer to navigating those relationships.

The relationships that are more complex will, naturally, be more complex to navigate. That doesn’t mean that the person is any more or less of a friend or deserves a certain amount of your brain space. It means that you and the friend will need to navigate the relationship as things come up. 

2. There’s no clear answer to navigating any relationship.

If you haven’t sensed a theme already, let me reiterate. It’s about you and the other person. Other people will have their input, perhaps basing it on their own relationships; at the end of the day it’s for you to decide.  

3. It’s imperative to speak up.

Other people can’t read minds. They may pick up on a vibe but that’s just a feeling. If you have something to say, say it. And if you feel anxious about their response, that’s probably not the healthiest relationship to begin with.

4. Everyone is going through something. Everyone has an opinion. 

And that’s okay. Many of my close friends have voiced their observations on people I consider my friends and how those people treat me; it’s ultimately my decision. With a handful of those people, I’ve taken the long, windy road to discovering if and where those people had a place in my life. *Thank you to those wonderful, patient friends who went along for the ride on those long, windy roads.*  Years of nurturing a friendship only to realize that it’s better for me to step back and let the friendship drive itself. Situational friendships that look different outside of that situation. When those friendships take a new form, it can be uncomfortable and filled with uncertainty – and it’s in those moments where I’ve had to fully listen to myself.

5. That’s not to say that other people won’t have an influence.

You’ll have people (partners, family members, friends who have observed the relationship ) who will have some input that you’ll need to consider. Consider it, talk about it with the people, see how it fits in with the relationship at hand, and move forward.